I wanted to write this thought in facebook, but facebook has become so "public" nowadays that things no longer could be confined within the "only friends" dimension -- once again proving that shoudl you put something on the internet, it's basically announcing it to the whole wide-world!

so i guess xanga would be a place more "unknown" by ppl nowadays for me to vent this thought out ~.~

this "thought" has been driving me mad lately ... so mad to the extent that i keep thinking about "it" nearly day and night ... there was once around this time of the year that I've felt the same way before ... but i guess i was saved by the thought of getting into univeristy or something that this "craziness" didn't bother me as much as it did now.

it's really just a one-direction thing ... i don't know what the other's thinking, nor does my rational side tell me that this is making any sense at all to think about "it".

lately this i feel myself so attached to "it", thinking about "it", bothered about "it", looking for answers to "it" that it's starting to disturb my daily life because my mind is so full of "it": i dont' think it's normal to be feeling "i've struck gold", feeling my heart leap with joy and try to download a video because of a VERY precious few seconds is something normal or considered "healthy". this is not healthy. this is a stage of becoming "obsessed".

and what's so frightening about it is the feeling of being obsessed by "it" ... when i know rationally that there should be no "future" to "it" (well ... at the meantime at least) and it's really just about me feeling for "it": you should know soemthing's really wrong when you realize that you're getting obsessed with something to the point that it's affecting your daily life; you should know that something should be put aside permanently when you start having the feeling of getting "lost" in it; you should know that it's not right: especially when you know it's not right but still want to do that.

escape and not think about it is the right thing to do. escape and hide, hide away from "it" is the right thing to do. think of the bad things "it" has is what i should be thinking of. think of the bad things to cool this hot-head of mine is what is essential for me in the meantime. what i need is a cool-clear-head to soothe this racing heart i have of mine for the sake of becoming "healthy" again.

take a deep breath and be free from "it"'s capture of my heart and soul. Obsession is not healthy, and could be catastrophobic to me and my life as an undergrad that i tried so hard to get for the last 9 years!

is "it" worth it? is it worth being obsessed by "it" with me knowing the such consequences? the answer is clearly No.